In looking to the root or mula of things and the body, past trauma can be uncovered as I’ve already found out. Hopefully when this kind of thing happens I can just be present for what’s coming up for me, and not make it more or less than it really is. Last night I had a strong memory of some words said to me as a child that had caused me to feel guilty and suspicious of myself as I was remembering learning Janu Sirsasana B. What I didn’t describe in that post was how I felt. When I was shrinking back and trying to numb myself to the sensation of sitting on my heel, I was colored with a dark emotion, like this is bad and I am ashamed. But I did it anyway, and that felt familiar. I grew up from age 7 through high school in a kooky household. I learned ways that didn’t seem like mine in order to get along in that place. So that’s what came up for me in yoga a while back.
As the moment moved by, and I sat there I thought I might be sick, but then that passed, too.
And it makes me mad now. I’m angry about learning to be inauthentic because now I want to be. So now I’m dedicating myself to the root of things, and hopefully I will do a little spiritual house cleaning “down there” in the course of my study and work.
I’m grateful for yoga and my teacher for a situation that might one day yield healing.